Sunday, Sunday.

Things I've made recently.

For my trip,

for my Chicky Babe for the dress up for the last Harry Potter film,

for my dear friend.

Something I'm working on. For my Queen sized bed.

Today.

Rooftop view of Fremantle from the top level of the car park. I love this view out to sea.

Ban Live Exports Rally Fremantle.

There were more dogs than people! (Not really but there were quite a lot of them. They are all so well behaved! Pablo gets too excited in mixed company.)

Brunch at a Fremantle cafe. Well technically it would have to be a late lunch but we hadn't been up all that long and it was an early rally 12 noon on a Sunday IS early!)

Elizabeth's Bookshop was offering free wrapping for purchases over $10. These books were for school but I'd fallen in love with the wrapping paper for kiddies with it's circus theme. One class at school are doing a circus act for their assembly and we are doing some circus inspired art works and I thought I could use this in the art room so I had them wrapped. The top one is from Tim an early birthday present. It is a French/English dictionary for our travels.

No picture just some words.

Where do I start...I have been worried about how I will start this post and how much to share and even now I have erased these words over and over... So I think I will just write and see what comes.
Firstly - I do not have breast cancer... That was what the wish post was all about. I found a lump in my breast and as my mum had breast cancer at about my age it really freaked me out. and I was a bit of a mess emotionally. I have had it investigated and in the meantime the lump shrunk then came back about the time of my period and then disappeared again completely. It must have been a swollen duct or something. But also just under my bra strap is a funny raised area which also worried me. The lady doing the ultrasound said that this is common where your bra rubs often a bit of a ridge occurs (I guessing like a bit of a callous, sounds gross huh?)
So that is all ok. I have a referral for a genetic test to be done so that we can determine the best form/frequency of screening for me.
As the same time all of this was going on I have been asked to lecture students from UWA doing a teaching masters in a unit about teaching for a unit called the artistic and expressive child. This was a huge compliment to me and as it is a system where the school and the university work in partnership I said yes, even though I am a little nervous about it because I thought it would possibly be good for the school.I don't get paid any extra for doing this although I will possibly get a little extra DOTT time to prepare etc.
Because the students are going to do some workshops with the children we are having an Art Festival where the children will participate in art workshops and the event will culminate with an exhibition of all the children's work. Ever since the Evening on the Verandah my boss has been pushing for another whole school exhibition, saying that the P&C were keen to do the event again as a fund raiser. This year I caved and said OK because we will have the new building to use as an exhibition space. This new building was supposed to be ready at the end of last year. Then the beginning of this year , then by the end of the term, then at the beginning of this term. We are still not into it and it looks like the date to move is now the 17th June and the workshops start on the 20th. This is all causing a bit more stress and to top it off I have had pressure and communication problems over the exhibition and the fundraising side of it all which led me to tears last week. That is itself is a whole 'nother story which I wont go into here.
Meanwhile I am supposed to be teaching and writing reports let alone dealing with my day to day life and family.
Here comes the tricky part to write about. While I was at the doctor's in the lead up to the breast cancer scare and during it I found myself teary on several occasions and finally I worked up the courage to say I didn't feel right. I found life very hard and one weekend I did not leave the house once. I often found myself weeping at the slightest thing and I had to confess that I have been acting 'happy; for some time. If my emotions were a line graph it was flat along the middle or dropped downwards never above indifferent or numb, I knew when I was supposed to be happy or when things were supposed to be fun so I smiled and acted like I was enjoying myself.
I have been suffering depression. I felt embarrassed and weak that I couldn't 'get over it' or 'shake it off' I felt like I was inadequate or not doing things right or well enough and that is why I was not coping. The doctor said that he is not at all surprised because of my thyroid disease I have a chemical imbalance in my body and a course of anti depressants can be helpful. I felt like I'd failed some how. But upon thinking about it and now having been on them for well maybe 6 weeks I thought it is no different to taking the tyroxin or if you are diabetic and have to take insulin no one will judge you for that. Why do I feel bad to take antidepressants. I think that it is the fact that we don't talk of it, it is one of those mysterious taboos. Having said that I have no judgement towards other people who take them and encouraged some friends to seek help so why did I not feel I deserved that help- actually I think that that is more the crux of it I didn't feel I deserved the help that I should just get on with it and deal with it. Funny thing is that I have since found out that several people very close to me have been taking antidepressants. Usually I am a sharer I usually tell my friends what is going on with me- I guess I did a good job of acting most of the time. I did have one friend who said why don't you talk to your doctor but it took some time. I think that the fact that it is taboo to alot of people made me anxious to share what I am going through. Not so much with my friends but I was afraid that if people at my work new they would not think i was capable of doing my job or they would think less of me. But as the medication is kicking in I really am so very glad I am on them and I don't care right now if people think less of me because I feel so much better now.
I am still stressed with all the pressures of work happening at the moment -honestly I don't think you could take enough antidepressants to not feel stressed by what is happening at the moment. I still cry at the end of soppy romantic movies and when babies are born but I do not cry with a broken heart anymore sentimental things were full of pain for me and the shadows of my past would not leave me be. I do not however cry at weddings of friends (I do when it is your Mama and the groom gets so choked up with emotion he can hardly talk!) I guess I was worried that antidepressants would change me and mask my emotions they don't. I still feel sad at times I still feel stressed, I feel nostalgic and even anxious sometimes but these are not my default emotions or my only ones, I laugh now naturally and spontaneously not because I know I should, I make silly jokes again.
The downside is as the fog has cleared I can see there is so much I have to do to clean up the disorder that has resulted from my mental and physical fatigue. I am afraid that it is a big task and I don't really know where to start and I don't think I will have time to make a big dent in it until the next holiday. So for now I will go gently on myself and tackle one little job at a time, do what I can and leave what I can not for another time. Those people who love me will not judge me and will love me if my house is in order or not and I will love them for it.
And now I have got past this post which was difficult to start I will begin to post again although it may be irregularly until I get through this term and find a new rhythm in my life

A story with two happy endings.

Yesterday I was in a bit of a fluster trying to gather together enough ID for Chicky Babe so she could apply for her learners permit. It was hot and I've been feeling out of sorts emotionally for a week or so. We had to drive hither and thither. Firstly we went into the licencing centre with her birth extract and student ID and her bank card, None of these were acceptable. She needed her birth certificate and something that had her name and address on it like a bank statement or bill of some sort. She lives at home with me - hence I get the bills and she doesn't work so she hasn't had any activity on her bank account that is in her name (the other one is in my name in trust for her) So off we went to the births registry office to get a copy of her birth certificate and then to the bank to sort out what to do with her statement. Because there had been no activity on it since the last statement they couldn't print one off. So we had to deposit a small amount into it then they would be able to print it off the next day.
While we were near the shop we did a bit of grocery shopping and got name tags for the cat and dog. From there we went to another shop to buy the most recent Dr Who magazine Chicky Babe is hankering for. It is at this point that we realise that my cards are no longer in my purse. My licence, visa and access account etc.
I felt sick. I haven't lost my cards like that since...I can't remember when! (Bantam Boy has done so frequently!)
We were desperately retracing our steps and I was thinking that I would have to cancel my cards when my phone rang. It was Bantam Boy. A woman had just left our place she had found my cards with the address on the licence and delivered them to our house.
She did not leave her name or anything so I am unable to thank her but I was really touched by her good deed. You so often hear of things going badly and dishonesty in our world it is nice to hear a story with a happy ending. I'm sending her all the warmest of best wishes I wish I could let her know just how grateful I am! Maybe I'll post a note at the shopping center.
Oh and this morning we went back to the bank to collect her statement and then to the licencing place so Chicky Babe could sit her theory test. She now has her learners permit and we have had our first driving lesson. Don't tell Bantam Boy but she is easier to teach than he was. Apart from staying on the right side of the road during this time she doesn't argue back at me if I tell her something! Phew!

I will survive...

I have that song stuck in my head at the moment. And it is probably not a bad "mantra" to have. I must admit to feeling a little overwhelmed at present.

I have hit an emotionally low point and this has coincided with the stress of having my baby becoming an adult and going through his final TEE exams. My boy has a mild learning problem - a mild form of dyspraxia which means he has trouble processing large chunks of information so the school has given him some extra reading time to help him get through his exams up until now- we had to apply to the curriculum council to allow him to continue this into his final exams. He tells me he reads the question then when he reads it again it is as if he has never seen it before, so he needs to read it a few times before he knows what it says and to try to understand what it is asking him to do.

He has been working quite hard and in a determined way and often goes to the library straight after school to study and gets home at about 7;30 or 8pm. As a result he was told the other day that his predicted TER score is 80 (which is quite good) so he was quite happy with how things were going. Then that night when we cleared the letter box we found a letter from the curriculum council to say that he has not been granted his application for extra time in his TER. He was so upset saying he was screwed and he may as well just forget it and get a job in a shop. That was just his first reaction, thankfully we have worked through it an d have started to realize that there are options and that he might still do ok without it. We are going to appeal the decision.

And my house is a pigsty and I can't seem to motivate myself to do it all and we have a party here in two weeks. I did manage to clean my room last weekend. So I can rejoice in that. I know I need to just break it down into smaller goals that are achievable and tackle things a bit at a time.

So I haven't had the time or energy to blog and I have a feeling the next two weeks could be a bit hectic too.

Wish me luck!!

P.S. It was my birthday last week. Celebrated very quietly for me- Yum Cha brunch with the kids, mum and Ronnie.

And the fledgling edges his way out onto the branch, beyond the nest...

Bantam Boy is adamant that he is going to take a gap year and spend it travelling around Australia!
Chicky babe has "baggsed" his room- it is bigger than hers.
I want to know who will eat curry with me and wondering how I will cope!

Ummm, confession....

I did not clean my room yesterday or today....

I did this instead.

I had to put this on the table to get it squared off. I meant that I had to unpick sections to make it sit better but in doing so I was rather surprised to see that I was closer to being completed than I had thought. Looking at it from above (yes I'm standing on the table!) I am enjoying the colours and the arrangement. It really does remind me of the work of Gustav Klimt, one of my favourite artists. In fact I took my Klimt book into the wool shop to help me select the colours. The center section which is the multi sized squares is almost complete and then I will frame them with a boarder of green, purple and pink maybe. Rachel asked if I sell my rugs. The thing about these kind of rugs, well any kind of handmade rug or object for that matter, they often take more time to do than you can reasonably charge for. Particularly things like crochet and knitting, that's what nanas and women do and hence they are often highly under valued. It's a homely craft passed from mother to daughter-unless your daughter has no interest at all in the weird knitted stuff! (That's why it's nice to connect with a community of people who really appreciate hand made objects!) This particular rug has taken me forever! Although as it was my first crochet project after a thirty odd year break it may have taken longer and the tension varies from the first squares to the more recent ones. I'm already planning another one.

Chicky Babe wanted to go into perth to meet up with some friends on saturday so I took her. I am not keen for her to take public transport into the city on her own- she thinks I over react. Maybe I do but I needed to go into the gallery anyway. I've booked into a one day jewellery making workshop with David Walker and had to pay in order to confirm my booking. Plus I have been keen to see the Year 12 Perspectives exhibition. High school kids nowadays are very clever and the schools do a great job. I came away thinking I'm going to have to support Bantam Boy in his art course partly bey being a nag to keep him off MSN. 5 minutes on that can turn int two hours before he knows it!

Don't ask me what I did today, wasted a lot of time, went to visit my mum, drove the kids around and got flashed by a speed camera- third one in 27 years! Bother!!!! I was going to go into school to do some work but just couldn't bring myself to do so. Apparently an ex student with emotional problems, has made threats towards me. I'm sure there is nothing to it, just a lot of hot air but it has affected me a bit...I'm not sure what I will do about it. I might talk to the union and see what they think. As a result I was a bit nervous to go into school.

Speaking of which I should do the work I was going to do then now and resist the urge to continue with my rug!

PS: How do I delete unwanted comments on posts?????

Missing in Inaction!

Sorry! Where have I been and what have I been up to?
Pretty much lost in the mess that has become my house in the last couple of weeks. I realise now that having Lin come once a week helped me cope and manage to tread water. Although it was a little expensive it certainly helped to save my sanity and I guess that a psychologist would charge more than $25 an hour.
Work has been pretty hectic. Having two roles in the school- ie yr classroom teacher 3 days a week and art specialist yrs 1-7 (with 45 min lessons-5classes a day with no changeover time factored into the equation ) is pretty full on. I feel in some ways that one week finishes on wednesday when I finish in the classroom and another begins on thursday when I go into the artroom. Sometimes I feel like I've worked two weeks for the price of one!
Home is feeling a bit intense too at present with three semi adults trying to find their space in the one small house. The study workload is making the kids a bit techie at the moment and they exhibit a strong reaction against helping out, siting homework and work pressures as an excuse. I feel very much like the little red hen and have spat the dummy and given in myself. Now I am faced with a huge mountain of things that need tidying and fixing and ordering......
Where do I begin???? I guess I pick a space and start with it- a little at a time and slowly it will improve.
My little dollies are now in Victoria. I think they went to Healsville. (A friend of mine has a sister who lives nearby to there and her mother took them over when she went to visit recently.) My current project is knitting woolly hats and vests (I am trying to interpret my grandmother's favourite children's vest pattern- all our kids wore them.) Anyway my friend "A" is knitting socks for little children who are freezing in Afghanistan in winter. She is of Swedish origin and this is a Swedish branch of save the children's fund who have organised a collection of bits and pieces to be sent, here is the link if you are interested in knowing more. Oh and I finally completed beaded necklaces for two little girls who have only been waiting a year to get them!
I have been lax with my posting, Firstly my camera batteries went and I am now photoless- I really want to get a new mobile phone that is actually a camera with a phone function! That would be convenient and most likely expensive! Then there is the roster with my school laptop, leased through the department for teaching purposes- I'm not actually on this roster -hence I'm posting now in the dead of the night now that the chicks have gone to bed. Which is where I should be as tomorrow is school photo day and I'm going to look worse for wear at this rate and I am already behind the eight ball!
The tax stimulus package is going strait into resolving our technology problems, fixing our big computer and a cheaper notebook for the kids to share and to mend our wireless network!
Oh I almost forgot I went away with my mum down south to see Chris Isaak play at the Leeuwin Estate. ( I thought this picture of the vegetable stack used which was also used in their advertising on the big screen when we were at the concert was a photo of a pile of washing! I found this most alarming until I realised what it actually was then I was really alarmed to think I was seeing piles of washing even when on holiday!!!!!!) It was actually quite relaxing, I left the chicks to fend for themselves (with Tim to help out) for two days. I actually took some photos- on mums camera so when I get a minute to teach her how to upload them I'll share a bit more with you.
Sorry if this post is not written particularly well, at least I can run a spell check over it, But it pretty much reflects my mood. I just re read my title and I've realised I've not been as inactive as I thought!