Woe is me...

Suddenly I am all on my own. Bantam Boy is off to a party at the beach and Chicky Babe text me on her way home from Perth this evening asking if she could go to a friends place for a sleep over. Tim had promised to come over earlyish this morning to help me do some stuff. As he has promised this several times and not come because he had slept in till mid afternoon, I was cross with him. He arrived at 5 saying he wasn't feeling well. So I sent him packing not wanting to get ill myself but also cross because I was cross at him when he wasn't feeling well and I'd just assumed that he'd done his usual sleep all day thing. This is an ever recurring theme... He says he'll come then sleeps in and is very very late. I feel cross and then feel guilty for feeling cross because he is not obliged to help. But I do think that it would have been polite to get a call to say he wasn't coming because I've been waiting around for the last two days expecting him to come and he hasn't and saturday was the same. Plus I don't think it is unreasonable that if you promise a friend no matter how simple or complex the relationship might be, it is just polite to turn up when you say you will or at least phone to let them know you are not coming.

Now I'm at home waiting until I have to go and pick up Bantam Boy from his party. I asked Chicky Babe what was I going to do all on my lonesome. She replied Knit away on your weird lady knitting stuff. Hmmmm.... I am making some more knitted stuff. I'm working on a capelet like this one. Well it is not as chunky because the wool I have is only 10 ply and mine will be purple and I'm not sure about the flower. Maybe red or perhaps green and definitely removable so maybe one of each. Oh! I've got some deep yellow with a hint of brown that might become a sunflower to go on it. Bring on more coffee dates with unruly teenage boys (Chicky Babe says -Keep dreaming Mum. She has been careful to text when she says she will and to furnish me with as much info as I need!)

On that front, the dust is beginning to settle. B told her dad that she had been the one pushing Chicky Babe to call me to see if they could get a lift with the boys and that CB panicked when confronted as she never has to deal with that kind of yelling at our place. So she is no longer banned from seeing CB and is not going to be transferred to a school in the country. However there are all sorts of rules that she has to follow, what they are I don't know. And the grounding has been reduced from a year to three months! The boy has very bravely offered to go and apologise in person the the father and has thus earned some brownie points.

Having got that off my chest I am going to pop in a chick flick DVD (we can rent them again now that bantam boy has fixed up his $150 late fees problem!!!) and do some more knitting and embrace my alone time which is actually quite nice when I think about it.

PS. I was watching them both as we walked from the coffee shop yesterday and had to wipe away a wayward tear. They have grown up and it has taken me by surprise in some ways. I watched them and as they walked I saw the shadows of my little chicks follow beside them. They are ours for such a short time. At the moment I am reminded of little birds in a nest that I watched outside my window a couple of years ago. At first you got little glimpses of the tiny little chicks popping out from under their mother then they grew and grew and wriggled and squirmed in the nest jostling the poor mother from side to side as if she were riding a stormy sea. Finally they hopped onto the branch and before I knew it they were gone.

I am being jostled about in my nest at present and I know in the blink of an eye they will fly away!

whispers

I'm still pretty much voiceless! I'm beginning to worry that it wont come back, listening to work friends who tell stories of teachers that talk too much despite their voices being little more than a squeak and then causing permanent damage to the voice box. Hmmmm... It is getting better.
I had a friend who used to ask me what it was that I was not saying that had caused me to lose my voice- a Donna? Hay no..... Louise Hay style she was a great follower of this philosophy. I have to admit that I went through a phase too following my separation where things seemed to unfold in such a way that it had me believing that the universe was in fact more mysterious than we really knew and things were connected etc, etc. I still like to believe there is more to life than just what we can see and understand and to an extent that we can create things in our life through thought and action but sometimes a voice can be lost just because someone next to you sneezed and they passed a virus on to you.

Having said all this I started to think what am I not saying and who am I not saying it too??

Well first of all I'd like to yell at the kids, they bicker at times Chicky Babe is slow to do her chores and then does them half heartedly, bantam boy is finicky which makes him a good choice to do the kitchen but he get cross at the injustice of the amount of work he does in comparison so he refuses to do a little more than he perceives her to be doing. I'm tired and I can't deal with that any more!!!!

I apologised to my cousin and aunt here on my blog- do I need to ring her and check if she saw it?

Do I need to have words with myself for not having my life together. I can't seem to get everything working in unison. If the house is tidy the garden is dead, then work demands attention and the house and garden seems to fall by the wayside, then I collapse into the couch at the end of the day sometimes overwhelmed by everything that needs my attention and I don't get into my studio and put onto canvas half the things that I think of. Sometimes my head is so full I can't find the space for thinking about art.

There are a couple of big questions rattling around in my head at the moment. One is how do you know you are in love? I've made some disastrous choices in the past thinking I was in love. You know in hindsight I don't think I was ever in love with my husband. I was 19 with a very low self esteem he was the first person who wanted to go out with me and I thought marriage was expected and the rest is history. Tim I loved he was so gentle and caring so different to my husband but very needy back then and unemployed and I didn't have space for another child (he has grown up a bit since I broke his heart and chucked him out for a while) The sculptor gave me butterflies in my stomach at the thought of seeing him, I idolised him and his work- he was like an addiction and I got my heart broken. Tim is persistent he's still here helping me out here and there and I do care for him and at times when I feel very alone and fed up with being "it" controller of the money, the house, the child raising, the decisions - down to what's for dinner and pleasing both very different tastes I think what am I doing? Why am I resisting? Should I just go for it and accept that we have a great friendship at which point my friends look a little alarmed because they think "I can do better". But I tell you the search is exhausting (If my "prince" is out there somewhere he'd better get his act together and get here soon!) Chicky Babe was alarmed because he 'doesn't take care of himself- he smokes continuously and is very scruffy!
Then I think he would be alarmed too I think he is happy to be on the edge of a relationship. He can promise to help me do something in the garden for example and then not do it and I can't get too cross because he technically doesn't have to, it's not his house, I'm not his girlfriend. Thinking back to the analogy of a relationship I came up with a little while ago, looking at a relationship as a dance where you and your partner move together using different steps to the same music, to create a dance, sometimes you might miss a beat or tread on each others toes but you pick up the rhythm and continue on. I've become quite attached to this kind of ideal. Where Tim is concerned he likes to watch me dance. He will drive me to the dance hall, he'll make sure the music is playing he might even sweep the dance floor down if it needs it but he doesn't want to dance with me. He doesn't want to take responsibility for the performance itself.
I don't really want to dance on my own forever.

So how do you know when you are in love and when is it the right one?????

Shhhhh......

Ahhhh! I'm all on my own. The kids have both gone off to visit their grandparents in Busselton. Bantam Boy went on Friday four South Bound- a big music festival and Chicky Babe went today. A friend of mine is the mother of one of BB's closest friends and she went down to pick up her son so she took CB down there at the same time. I love both my children dearly but I have to confess I'm looking forward to some time on my own where all I have to worry about is me! It has been a while since they have both gone off at the same time. Once upon a time they would go and stay at their fathers for weekends at first regularly, then just here and there. I know they are quickly approaching adult hood and before I know it being on my own will be a way of life and I don't wish that to happen too quickly. I really do love having them about but today I am taking pleasure from the fact that no-one needs me for anything and I don't have to think about the needs of others!
The doorbell has broken on my front door, the television is off and there is quiet in my house. I am going to sit and do a bit of blogging and a bit of crochet (see photo). On Friday evening I bought a fantastic little book about using ephemera in art.

I have loved the work of Geninne she uses postcards and paints little birdies or boats around them. They are lovely whimsical little pieces. Have a look. Anyway one day I am going to treat myself to a couple of these. But also her work is inspiring me I'm thinking of making some little pieces using the kids ephemera, things that were important to them when they were little and adding images / paintings of them. I'm not sure how just yet but the book was a very interesting read.
I also have iconic art swirling around in my head it is a theme that has been there for years, not in terms of religion but in relationship to motherhood. While I was at art school when the kids were little I had to do a self portrait. I made this life size mixed media piece. In it I was wearing a dress and the dress was made of a montage of photos of the kids and myself. Motherhood at that point felt like a mantle that you wore, something that was put on to you something that was added to who you are. As time has passed I don't see it like that anymore. I think that in some ways at that time of my life, at the end of my marriage at any rate, I did wear the role of a wife and mother, I was acting I suppose, going through the motions. So the self portrait was an expression of that. Now I feel like motherhood -well my form of it has become a calling almost a religious vocation. I do not mean that to sound pompous or over the top. How I have become as a mother now is much more grounded and natural. And I think I really do have a balanced approach to it, I'm definitely not a professional mummy and although I do make concessions for my children's needs I make sure I meet at least some of my needs too. I learnt that lesson and it is not one I wish to repeat- the next lesson to learn is self acceptance! that particular portrait had a big green smudge dragged violently over the face. Anyway I am thinking of images of me and the kids portrayed in an iconic format. Golds and reds, yummy.
The new year has got me thinking of my travel plans for when the children are grown up. Not too far away in two years time Chicky will have completed year 12 and my long service leave will be due. Perfect timing! I have been putting money into a college fund for the kids since they were about 6 & 7. I have put aside about 10 000 per child so I have decided that they will get 6000 each and I will keep 8000. They will receive the interest from the investment. So there is my European adventure money. As I browse on the net I have come across interesting places to stay and things to do. I've saved them in a folder quietly making plans for my adventure. When CB had her hair cut the hair dresser said she had stayed in a convent in Rome. I quite like the sound of that. I have this image of simple rooms and quiet- do you see a theme here. I think I am craving quiet at the moment. Plus I think I'd feel safe there as a lone traveller. Although it could turn out to be a huge 40+ European party as I now have several friends who want to join me for part of the journey!

Things I hate and christmas but not in that order and not really in the same sentence...

Merry Christmas!
And best wishes for a fabulous 2009

Although I had mixed emotions arround the whole christmas thing Christmas day was quite stress free round here. The kids woke at a reasonable hour (7am-chicky babe was excited about the arrival of her new red iPod) , I then went back to bed for a nap. I woke up about 10ish and started to leisurely prepare Christmas dinner. Mum and Ron came for dinner about 6pm. I had crayfish for entree and we had roast rack of lamb with potato salad, a green salad with roasted pumpkin, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds and almonds and warm green beans blanched and tossed through fried onion and pancetta. We had fruit mince pies with brandy butter, cream and/ or ice cream. A super easy spread! This was followed with a game of poker sparked by a mini pack of cards found in one of the crackers! Mum won! She is so competitive!

My sister and her clan came up from the country for breakfast- not lunch as originally planned, on the Tuesday before Christmas. Most of the cooking had to be done the night before because alas I am not a morning person! I made stuffed mushrooms and ricotta pancakes with brandy butter and berries in syrup the night before. I found some organic sausages(that I could eat) to have with scrambled eggs and bacon which we cooked in the morning. (It cost me a bloody fortune! But no-one goes home hungry on my watch!)

Boxing day!

ONE THING I REALLY HATE:

Tangled cords. I hate them they stress me out! I don't know why but one look at a tangled mess of cords leaves my shoulder muscles cramped up and heralds the beginning of a tension headache! I decided to have a look for the printer CD to reinstall the printer and the modem one in order to fix my wireless connection in doing so I came across a tangled mess of cords many of which I had no idea what they were for!

So I spent some time tidying up the area (gathering up the empty choc milk cartons and lolly wrappers- this is one reason I am desperate to get my laptop working again) and doing this....

As many cords as I could label I did with a little masking tape tag to tell me what it is for.

They are now all sorted into snap lock bags under the appropriate headings so it won't take me forever to work out which cord does what when I want to add photos to my blog or download pictures from my phone. I just hope that my little chicks decide to play along and remember to put them back in the right bags! (Note the label on the largest bag at the back!!!! I'm too worried to throw them away just in case we discover we need them.)

Then , so I don't have to look at them at all they are tucked into a shoe box with a lid!
I still can't find the right information to fix my wireless modem connection- I am so close to going out and buying another modem just to get it going again but I know it would be such a waste of money!!! BUT I WANT MY WIRELESS TO WORK AGAIN!!!!

'Tis the season.

I have managed to get away with a bit of a change this year. Chicky Babe loves the traditional tree- fake or real (ie chopped down) is fine, as long as it is the biggest one we can afford or lift or fit in the house and it has to be covered in every decoration we can find. This year Bantam Boy and I thought it would be good to have a Christmas cactus but we thought we wouldn't get away with that so we went for an Albany wolly bush growing in a pot. After my crochet frenzy leading up to George st I had nothing to do so I crocheted the little hearts until I ran out of red cotton. I'm happy with them and it is a nice change.

There have been a number of people doing the Ten Honest things about Me tag and have posted open tags to anyone who wants to play along, I know this was some time ago now but things are hectic at this time of the year and this is the first opportunity to get to it.

Ten Honest things about me.
1: I am worried that I wont have ten things to share that people may find remotely interesting. But I will do it any way and hope for the best.

2. I currently have three messy classrooms at school. I have to move classes again this year and I decided to sort through all my stuff before just shoving it into shelves to deal with later, is a year later when I have to shift it all. The third room is the art room which I have to share as a T&E room with the rest of the school so the mess in there is not totally of my own making. My house is also a mess!!!!! I am not neat.

3. This kind of relates to the above point. I have difficulty throwing things away. I am a hoarder. I might just use that thing one day. I have no idea what that thing is but I might use it. I had a friend who used to walk around the house with something in her hand if she couldn't find a space for it it went into the bin. I watched her throw away a perfectly good vase someone had given her as a gift because she didn't have a space to store it. (needless to say I didn't buy her gifts much after that or if I did they were edible and not expensive! I don't want to reach that extreme but I do think it would be beneficial if I could be a bit more discerning with my junk.

4. I've deleted this one several times, how do I say this one.... I've been interested in fashion and at one time I wanted to be a fashion designer. I've made wedding dresses for friends as my gifts to them. I love to wear jewellery and nice things but at the same time I resent the superficiality of how women in particular are judged for their appearance. Most of the time I don't wear makeup then I go through a makeup buying frenzy hoping that it will magically transform me and make me beautiful. This is a conundrum that I vacillate between caring and not caring on principle!

5. Although I often complain in the morning that I don't want to go to school I really do find my job very, very rewarding and it is the little comments kids make and when you finally reach a couple of kids that you feel that you've made a difference and it makes the job worthwhile. I actually felt sad that the year had ended as I had grown to love the kids in my class but I am happy to say that I 'll be teaching art again so I will see them regularly again next year.

6. I haven't used my studio as much as I'd hoped I would. Fortunately I'm now on holidays so I should be able to manage it.

7. When I was little my parents decided to go on a working holiday around Australia. More truthfully my dad decided he wanted to travel, Mum was persuaded with the help of a trip to the doctors and a packet of Valium. We set off in the jeep with the caravan attached and mum's dinner set fell out the back of the jeep and smashed in the driveway. Thank goodness for the Valium. We ended up going across the desert where a camel came into our caravan and was fed mince pies offered at arms length tentatively by our very unbrave dad and uncle. It was finally driven off by an old woman! Two wild boars stole our Christmas tree my sister (2) and I (3and a bit) were terrified that Santa would not find us. Again thank goodness for Valium!
We ended up in Alice Springs for quite some time and then we went on to Katherine where dad became a fireman. We lived next to the fire station and I used to answer the phone- It was 1970 and the NT. Our pet kangaroo used to hide in dad's boot and often refused to come out making the dash for the fire truck a bit tricky!

8. I believed in Santa for quite a long time, and fairies. I think that's why I sometimes find Christmas tricky now days since the kids have grown and I don't have to throw myself into creating the magic for them. That and not having a 'traditional' family and not having a partner. Tim is a lovely friend who helps me out immeasurably and cares for me deeply but we are not partners.

9. I think I really would love to have a partner. Not a husband or a boyfriend- a partner. That implies to me someone who shares things with you, a partner in crime, a dance partner. Yes I like the analogy of a dance partner. You have to work together for a common goal, you are dancing the same dance but each has their own steps and it's fun and exhilarating. The dance can be slow or fast. Sometimes you might get out of step or tread on each others toes but you find the beat and continue on again. See even though I say I'm cynical beneath it all I'm still a romantic at heart.

10. This one you will probably know if you read my blog with any regularity. I LOVE my kids. They are my world and my most fabulous creative work to date. I am so proud of them and have enjoyed watching them grow. I'm enjoying their company as young adults now too. So I feel I have achieved my goal of letting them grow up, this is something my father had a great deal of trouble with and I didn't want to burden my children with those feelings.

Goodness I talk a lot!!!! (That could be point 11 but you knew that already!) Ok I tag anyone who hasn't yet done this and feels like giving it a go.

Just in case I don't get the chance to blog again, Merry Christmas!